Online Medicine

HOUSTON -- (November 18, 2008) -- To forgive and forget is not easy, but an expert at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston offers tips that can ease the process and bring a little more cheer to holiday family gatherings.

"A willingness to forgive and a consideration of the other person's perspective are very important in the forgiveness process," said Dr. Catherine Romero, assistant professor in the Menninger department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at BCM.

Benefits of journaling

In a study published in a recent issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Romero looked at three groups of college students and their willingness to forgive under different conditions. Members of the first group were asked to keep a journal of their daily events. The second group's members were asked to keep a journal about their thoughts and feelings about a hurtful situation that may result in a grudge. Members of the final group were asked to write about their thoughts and feelings about a hurtful situation, as well as the possible benefits of forgiveness and a consideration of the other person's feelings.

Romero's study found that the third group was most likely to move towards forgiveness and showed an increase in empathy.

"The first thing to do is work on internally forgiving the other person or yourself by considering the benefits and putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Then you should determine if you want to communicate forgiveness to the other person," said Romero.

How to forgive

There are several ways to express forgiveness to the other person, said Romero. You could start a conversation with the other person or do something nice for that individual.

However, Romero warns that communicating forgiveness might not work in every situation. If there is a possibility of being hurt again, communicating the forgiveness may not be the best option.

During the holiday season, Romero emphasizes taking care of yourself to reduce vulnerability to stressful situations. This includes getting enough sleep, eating right and finding time to exercise. Romero also suggests having some distractions if you are prone to conflict with a family member or friend. Removing yourself from the situation can ease the tension.

She also advises picking your battles. Decide what contentious issues are worth bringing up during the holidays.

"You can always change your response to the situation, even if you can't change the other person's," said Romero.

Forgiveness can be healthy

Romero emphasizes the benefits of forgiveness on overall health. There are several physical effects of holding a grudge. It can increase your heart rate, raise your blood pressure and induce anxiety. All of these can lead to more severe health problems, she said.

Funding for this work came from the Arthur J. Schmitt Foundation and the Foley Family Foundation through Loyola University Chicago.

The study can be found at http://spr.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/25/4/625.